Who did Billy Mays play for?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
