she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
