I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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