3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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