i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
