My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
