That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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