she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
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Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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