I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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