I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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