Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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