The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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