So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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