The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
