just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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