I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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