Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it's great music for shaving your balls
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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