so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
