I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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