I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
