Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Panties = found
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
