for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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