I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
