Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
