Need sex. Gaining weight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
