I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
