I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
