No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
