I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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