I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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