Joe is yelling at the trees again.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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