She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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