I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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