I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
