your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
