The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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