My cat gives me a boner
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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