imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
