Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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