we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Why is your signature on my underwear?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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