My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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