laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
