Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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