You're my little dorito
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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