Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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