Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
