I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
