If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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