and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
