I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
please don't ironically join a cult
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