great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
