Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Drunk is not a location!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
