I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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