My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
