Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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